Just A Note Before I Go

Skydive, May 2012, after landing

I have been having strange pangs in my chest, exactly in the area where my heart supposedly is. They began a couple of weeks after I came down with Covid, in mid-May, 2 months ago. 

I went to town to see Dr. Soto and they did an EKG, which looked perfectly normal. He diagnosed dehydration, and gave me a script to take to the farmacia, where they gave me 8 days of electrolyte stuff. The pangs ceased, but since then have come back from time to time. 

They sometimes are accompanied by a quick burst of something else. It is hard to describe, it is unlike any other symptom I have ever had. For lack of a better description I will say instead the thought that pops into my head when it happens.

death.

I came down with covid again 2 weeks ago. The symptoms were identical in intensity and duration (mild and 2 weeks). 2 days ago the heart thing started happening again. This time they are slightly more intense. And this morning I feel a bit of something else as well, an overall weakness of both body and spirit.

They come and go, and this morning are gone again. Mostly I feel damn good. My blood pressure, my heart-rate, my O2 levels are all where they should be. My muscle tone in my legs and arms is returning. I for sure feel stronger than I have felt in a long time. My sleep has gotten better, I have longer and less frequent times between the urinary urges that have gotten me up at night these past 2 years. The other night I slept for 6 hours straight, and only got up once. Though the last 2 nights it has been 4 times again, the first one is still about 3 hours in rather than 2. And last night I only got up twice.

I continue to eat well, about 99 % vegan, I eat some meat or fish every now and then, that being the only deviation. I exercise for 30 minutes a day. I walk some and ride the electric bike often. I live surrounded by peace, beauty, and serenity.

So, in thinking it over this morning, I have made a decision. I am not going to try and get it diagnosed. It may or may not be related to the Covid, but from what I read the chest pangs, whatever they are, might be caused by it. I have absolutely no desire to go to the States, and have little confidence I would get any good diagnosis here with the CCSS. I also have no desire to spend the money it would take to go to a private hospital here in Costa Rica.

 If my heart is about to give out now, so be it. I have had many conversations with friends about what we would choose to do in the future about possible medical problems coming up. It will depend on what they are, but in general I am of the mindset to not pursue any standard Western medicine solutions anymore. A dear friend of mine, age 76, just underwent major heart repair surgery for the 3rd time. It was successful. I do not wish that for myself. Skin cancer lesion removal, likely I would, but major surgery, not so much.

Last night as I turned over on my side to go to sleep I was listening to Lori Carson’s songs, always a soothing tonic. In the dark, I had the image of Beth Osnes’s description of JP’s death in my head, which she related to me during my visit to Colorado 2 months ago.

She told me she knew he was dead when she came home from work and his body was in the exact same position in their bed as it had been when she left the house, 6 hours previously. He went out the way I want to go out. Quick and easy.

I offer this little essay so my friends will know if I do die soon that it was not completely unexpected. I believe I am as ready as one can be.

If nothing happens now, great. I can always edit this and repost it 20 years from now. 

love, -b

Author: RJMS

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